everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
