Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
