Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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