I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
