What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
