What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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