I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
