I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
