who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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