My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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