You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
