You're my little dorito
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
