Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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