I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
