dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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