Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
