So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
