NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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