John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
