Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
