Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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