sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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