Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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