Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
