Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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