Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize