Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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