I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
