Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
