I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Please don't give away my fajitas
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
