You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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