this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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