Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
