my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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