So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
