She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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