So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize