fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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