he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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