My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
