do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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