alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
why is half of my head shaved?
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