i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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