So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
