Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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