so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
