I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
