Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
