I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had sex on a roof
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
