i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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