If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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