apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
